몰라요 aka I don’t know

I am getting older and with it comes a painful realization (seeing that I am an adult adoptee in reunion with my first family) the older I get the harder it feels; the harder I try to reach out and keep up the link to my first family the more difficult it gets. I never got to know my siblings let alone any of my sisters and not even my youngest sibling for that.

The cultural gap is to huge for me to overcome, I honestly believed I had gained friends or at least struck a pot of gold now it turns out that that gold is nothing more than yellow mica. Even though I love my mum and dad tremendously I sometimes wonder if they would have made the same decision to start a family disregarding biology and nature. Would they be prepared for the consequences of their choice on my life? For them I am like daughter that they never had if they had not chosen adoption almost 30 years ago I would never have become their daughter and the truth is they never really had a daughter to begin with. I may be their daughter legally speaking but I am also not theirs by birth meaning I once was someone else.

I realize now that all I can do is to accept the cards life has given me, but I am still struggling to come to terms with my adoption and I have yet to fully embrace and accept the huge impact it has had on my life. Yes adoption shaped and influenced me, but I am more than just adoption. I am a person with feelings and a heart and I am no longer this sweet innocent gullible girl that believes anything her parents tell her.

I have a mind, opinions and thoughts of my own did my parents ever consider that for every adoptee there are at least two parents they are connected to…. Did they ever consider the fact that another woman carried their child inside their body, on their heart for nine months..? The adoption did not erase my mother’s poor and lacking memory she remembered that she had given birth and she sensed something was wrong when she never got to see me after giving birth to me.

Now I am a product of my environment the language I speak is not the same as the people who wished for my future and who put me into this world. I now know nothing (or extremely little of my own family’s culture and traditions. Because of the language barrier and cultural gap I was hindered and kept away from natural family. I wish I could have gotten to know all my siblings better than I had but now I fear it is all to late.

Both my omma and appa are very very old and should be enjoying the last years together as a family, everyone present and nobody forgotten. I have spent a life time trying to fit in, assimilate and improve myself to be the person or daughter that my parents never got. But I cannot accept such a fate without betraying myself …

Maybe this is what still troubles me and fuels my warrior heart which ultimately means I seem unable to settle down and just move on. People my age, my friends and people I grew up with seems content with doing exactly the opposite of what my life is all about.This could explain everything and anything yet also change nothing.

Is there something wrong with me.. (if it is it may be due to my adoption) which some people claims causes post traumatic stress disorder caused by a traumatic experience like being separated from my fundamental security as soon as my birth. How do one overcome post traumatic stress disorder…!?

♥쟈금은 안녕♥

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