Cogito Ergo Sum

Cogito Ergo Sum – I think therefore I exists.

Dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum  – I question, because I think thereby I exist.

Before coming to Korea I knew didn’t know anybody (except for my birth family) now several days later I have befriended several other KADS from all over the world. But somehow I still feel lonely, I can’t shake that feeling of. I know I’m complaining now, I probably shouldn’t because I found my birth family, but I still can’t change my feelings…

I feel inpatient, like I’m just waiting for days to go by, I have so much thing to do in Sweden… Yet I also feel annoyed, irritated and a bit angry. All because a certain person decided we knew each other well enough to stroke my back. It really annoys me, it annoys me even more that I seem to make such a big deal of it. I realise that I have issues with the opposite sex probably relating to my adoption story. You know, being relinquised because you were the wrong sex, not because you weren’t loved. (But maybe it’s the same thing) and yes I know my story is more complicated than that, but still fact is that I have a younger brother that was born after me. I don’t resent him, I really don’t it’s complicated. But somehow it feels like all people do is to live me, desert me or betray me, it really makes me less prone to trust men. Honestly. I wonder if it ever will be easier to trust a guy, probably not.

Funny thing is that my relationship with my adoptive dad has remained pretty much the same, in comparison with that of my birth dad and younger brother. My dad never betrayed me, he in a way rescued me or helped me when no other man seemed willing to. I realize that now. I’ve learned at least that much from this trip, I only wonder now if I will be able to cope with all this… Let’s just say my weekened has been pretty quiet and uneventful, but also a bit stressful.

엄마 난 절대 결혼할 수있을 것입니다


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